Settling In
Chicago, IL
6 months. It has been 6 months since I embarked on this journey of “adulthood.” I’ve always thought that a meaningless term. Time is relative, and ten years from now the “me” that is currently writing this will seem like a child. That being said, this period of my life is remarkably significant. A world without assignments, exams, and grades is liberating, but also deeply isolating. The questions are endless, and somehow all revolve around my lost sense of purpose. College gave me many valuable things, but it also distorted my sense of self, almost beyond recognition.
Life moves slower for me now. I rarely feel that spike in blood pressure that was a constant state of being in school. My mind is conditioned to think that I need that type of rush to signal that I’m doing something important, something valuable, something worthy. The absence of stress walked hand in hand with the lack of purpose, guiding me on the dead-end path to burnout.
Yet, the lack of deadlines now left me lost. I didn’t know what I was working towards anymore, and being asked to write down my “1-Year Goals” for work had me staring blankly at my computer screen for days.
Our entire adolescent lives, we rely on external forces to tell us what to do, when to do it, and how we’ll be rewarded. That doesn’t exist anymore, and these past 6 months have shaken me into really thinking about who I am and who I want to be. Work has most definitely not forged any of my identity. This isn’t my dream job by any means, and I’m not fully convinced that this is my dream industry, either. I’ve learned not to fixate on that, however, and look in other directions for fulfillment.
I am someone who thrives on neighborhood walks and a daily dose of fresh air. I am someone who loves calling people out of the blue to talk about anything and everything. I am someone who loves making new connections, even when they’re only temporary or fleeting. I am someone who loves giving time to their passions, without any expectation of attention or praise in return. I am someone who loves spending time with myself (conscious, intentional time). I am someone who is trying every single day to be better at loving, communicating, grateful, kind, empathetic, and nurturing, both to myself and to others. It may sound silly or slightly obvious, but what I’ve learned above all else is that
I am someone.
We rarely give ourselves the same grace, patience, acceptance, and tolerance we give others. I’ve worn myself down to a shell of a person because I didn’t treat myself as a person. These past 6 months have placed the reins back in my hands as I’ve taken control of who I am. When you truly start to trust and believe in the identity that you’ve forged for yourself, others start to believe it, too.
I don’t yearn for college anymore. I don’t stay up at night scrolling through my photo album with a sharp pain in my chest, wishing I could go back. I will alway cherish those years and every memory that floats around my mind, but I am also exhilarated by what lies ahead. The years of buzzing anxiety and stress have been replaced with an overwhelming sense of calm, still serenity.
Who I was is the reason I am, and who I am decides who I’m going to be.
